Can You Really Be Friends With People At Work?

Hey Jude,

Can you really be friends with people you work with?

All my life, I’ve heard people say things like, “Don’t mix business with pleasure”, “Keep your colleagues as acquaintances” and “Never fully be yourself at work.”

Because of that, I’ve always kept myself to myself professionally.

As a Black woman, I have sometimes found it difficult to connect with my colleagues and feel comfortable being my full self at work. Yet if I’m constantly holding parts of myself back, can any friendship I make there ever feel genuine?

I’ve also been hurt in the past after trusting the wrong people, so I’m cautious about opening up again.

Having friends at work is not essential to me, but it would be nice to have at least one person I could trust. Someone I could talk to, spend time with and feel comfortable around. I think it would make work more enjoyable and less isolating.

My concern is what could happen if the friendship went wrong. Would I lose my privacy? Could something I shared be used against me? Would we secretly be competing with each other?

It might sound like I’m overthinking it, but the whole thing makes me anxious.

How do you build genuine friendships at work without leaving yourself exposed?

Thandie - Policy Advisor, 28

Hello Thandie,

I once worked somewhere where everyone appeared to be friends.

People attended each other’s weddings, went for drinks and spent time together outside work. From the outside, it looked like one big happy family.

It really was not.

People talked about each other, secretly competed and shared things they had been told in confidence. Some of it was deeply personal.

Beneath all that apparent friendship was a culture that could be incredibly toxic.

I naively believed I was friends with most people there. I spoke to everyone, treated people well and tried to be open and honest. It was only towards the end of my time there that I realised I had lots of friendly relationships, but very few genuine friendships.

That experience taught me something important. You cannot be friends with everyone at work. More importantly, you do not need to be.

I think there are four types of workplace relationships that we often confuse with friendship.

1. Friends beyond work

These are the people you would still speak to if one of you left the company tomorrow. You know each other beyond your roles, celebrate each other’s success and can trust them with the parts of your life that have nothing to do with work.

This group is usually small. Across most place I have worked, I could probably count these people on one hand. At some places these friendships didn't exist at all. I am completely comfortable with that.

2. Work friends

These are the people who make the working day more enjoyable. You have lunch together, message each other during meetings and may occasionally spend time together outside work.

The friendship is genuine, but it may belong to that particular time and place. Once one of you leaves, it might naturally fade. That does not make it fake. Not every friendship needs to last forever to have value.

3. Trusted colleagues

These are people you respect and enjoy working with. You can rely on them professionally, ask for their advice and have a laugh together, but you may not share much of your private life.

There is nothing cold about that. A warm and respectful working relationship can still be valuable without becoming a close friendship.

4. Colleagues who require boundaries

These are people you remain pleasant and professional with, but do not fully trust. Perhaps they gossip, compete in unhealthy ways or behave differently depending on who is in the room.

You do not need to treat them as enemies. You simply need to pay attention and avoid giving them access they have not earned.

So, how do you make genuine friends at work without leaving yourself exposed?

Here is what I have learnt.

Let trust build slowly

Start by sharing something small and see how the person handles it. Notice how they speak about colleagues when those people are not in the room. Trust should be built through consistent behaviour, not assumed because you get along.

Watch what happens when competition enters the room

Pay attention to whether they celebrate your success and support you when you are doing well.

A genuine friend may want the same opportunity as you, but they will not need you to lose for them to feel successful.

Take the friendship outside work

Being around someone every day can create a sense of closeness very quickly. Spend time together away from the office and see whether the connection still exists when work is no longer the subject holding you together.

Remember that authenticity does not mean full access

You can be open, warm and completely yourself while keeping parts of your life private. Friendship does not require someone to know everything about you. Share more as trust grows.

So yes, you can make real friends at work. I have, and some of those friendships have outlasted the jobs that introduced us.

Just do not confuse familiarity with trust. Be open, but observant. Let people earn access to you over time.

You do not need an office full of friends. One good one can be more than enough.

Jude

Learn More

Watch

Coffee No Cream: Black Women Talk Workplace Friendships

A candid conversation about navigating friendship, trust and boundaries as Black women in the workplace.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DMoMugdvjY

Read

Workplace Friendships: The Double Edged Sword

This London School of Economics article looks at both sides of workplace friendship, including support and belonging, but also favouritism, exclusion and blurred boundaries.